With all this angst about Bonds breaking Aaron's "hallowed" record, I started thinking about what records in sports nowadays are truly beyond approach.
For some reason, Sean Kemp's record of 7 children with 6 different mothers (as of 1999, the number could actually be significantly higher by now) came immediately to mind.
It's not a sports record, but given it apparently is held by a sports figure, I'm willing to grant an exception in this case.
So in honor of the man who gave more hernias to mailmen on Father's Day, the incomparable Shawn Kemp, we have the Official Las Vegas Odds on various celebs to break this amazing record.
Prohibitive Favorite:
2:500 Former President Bill Clinton (off the board if his wife wins Presidency)
the only thing that could possibly stop him is if Hillary is able to garner support for her little-known bill to sterilize all former Presidents.
3:1 Kobe Bryant - has proven in the past that he can take it strong to the hole, both on and off the court. His contract may prove to be an impediment as it is not large enough, as currently structured, to buy enough "I'm sorry" diamonds to get over the hump. Apparently has sufficient ignorance of the word "No" to give him a real chance. Maturity could stand in the way, but most close friends and observers doubt this will be an impediment. Current events seem to bear out this feeling.
5:1 Brian Uhrlacher - nicknamed "Girl-Sacker" provides a delightfully provocative nickname to initiate conversation with most fertile, young potential panty peelers. Scouts rave about his ability to plug the hole. Good hands (shown below) leave him in the game against the run and the pass. First to lay pipe in the now scandal ravaged Paris Hilton gives him a certain amount of skank cred..
7:1 Sydney Crosby - anyone who scores more on and off the ice than Gretzky and who inspires women to hold up signs at games saying "Hey Sydney, put it in my five-hole" (thereby risking a frisking by $7.50 / hr.stadium security) has enormous future potential.
9:1 Matt Leinhart - building on pipe laid by Urhlacher (and many others) at the Paris Hilton. Only lefthander in current crop.
10:1 Tom Brady - Nothing says pantie peeling like 3 Super Bowl rings and a huge contract. Playing in tight pants help. Developing ability to go through supermodels like Bill Parcells goes through chicken wings.
15:1 Derek Jeter - his eyes say no-no, but his daring play and Yankee captaincy scream F_ _ _ Me!! F _ _ _ Me! to baseball fans of all ages throughout the major leagues.
20:1 Alex Rodriguez - growing tired of Jeter's sloppy seconds in NY. Seems poised for a breakout year. If you think he was mad about being dropped to eighth in Joe Torre's lineup in the playoffs, he's really going to be pissed about being eighth in this order.
25:1 Tony Parker - never discount the French in a competition like this.
30:1 Michael Jordan - may tire from writing too many zeroes on checks's to ex-es. May eventually be a precursor to impotency down the line. Not proven scientifically, only anecdotally from numerous ex-husbands.
100:1 Harold Reynolds - spends too much time at the petting zoo. Needs more sack time. Currently getting "Chick" lessons from Salisbury.
1000:1 John Kruk - (Slim Fast version) - If his wife thinks he's less disgusting now, wait until she sees him kiting child support checks for the tobacco-spitting Little Kruksters.
Million:1 John Kruk - (If weight yo-yo's back up to pre-diet levels)
Infinity:1 John Kruk - (With Weight Back Up and Mullet Hairdo Back)
Infinity * Infinity:1 - Sean Salisbury - both pre and post diet levels and with or without portfolio of "Little Sean" phone photos. This sleaze would stand out in a convention of strip-club owners. Wouldn't bet on him scoring if perpetuation of the species were at risk. Even then, insemination by apes and setting the evolutionary clock back about a bazillion years would be more palatable to all women.
Get your bets down!!! Note - all present and future NASCAR drivers were ruled off the board for obvious reasons.
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