Lately we've done an awful lot of dry, stuffy, boring statistical comparisons between large, sweaty baseball players. I just felt like it was time to pass judgement on a sports comparison that I can get firmly behind.
I hear the debate, "Is Ana Ivanovic the next Anna Kournikova?" a bit on talk radio and I understand why the topic is popular, given the demographic. But please, who said we were anywhere near done with the old Anna? Why the rush to throw out the old? Sometimes old is better. Is it better in this case? Let's Find Out.
Tale of the Tape
SPELLING ABILITY: Being somewhat of an egg-head, I have to deduct points for misspelling. In reality, who cares? Use spell check.
ADVANTAGE KOURNIKOVA
HAIR COLOR: Anna - Blonde (pretty sure) Ana - Brunette (why lie?)
What you've never seen "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"? It's a Classic.
ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA
ENDORSEMENT POTENTIAL: After an exhaustive Google Image search, I must declare further extensive research is required. Next time, I vow to muster all the human strength at my disposal and keep two hands on the keyboard at all times. For now....
ADVANTAGE: NEITHER
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: Ana - Serbia, Anna - Russia
ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA
I don't know where Serbia is, therefore I don't recognize it as a legitimate country.
PLAYING ABILITY: Ana 50th, Anna 1st
ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA
Sorry, babe we dig winners here in America, no time for losers.
HEIGHT: Ana 6-0 Anna 5-8
ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA
Although I'm willing to learn Amazonian.
WEIGHT: Ana 160 lbs Anna 123 lbs
ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA
It's cruel to have to say "Get off me, you beast, you're crushing my spleen", to an otherwise perfectly acceptable woman. A buck sixty is what I weigh on a good day and I can't have a woman that weighs more than me or can beat me in arm wrestling. Not good for that whole perpetuation of the species thing.
INTANGIBLES:
Both play right-handed - ADVANTAGE: NEITHER
Anna seems more willing and able to play doubles. ADVANTAGE: KOURNIKOVA.
It's over. It's all over. And I think we have a winner in this case.
Clearly, the most lop-sided heavy-weight confrontation since Michael Spinks pissed down his leg in front of Mike Tyson.
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